What do you think of this?

I also like your excerpt. From the small amount that you've posted, I am fascinated; I'd love to read more. Since you've said that you want to write for young people and with simplicity, I wouldn't urge you to alter your style. Generally, if you were writing for an older age group, I'd suggest that you make your sentences more complex, beginning them with adverbs, prepositional phrases, or clauses -- just for variety and to create more interesting prose. And, for the sake of perfect grammar, where you've used the word laid, the correct word would be lay (past tense of lie, while laid is the past tense of to lay meaning to place or put). Sorry for the seemingly insignificant criticism, but I'm a grammar freak! To summarize: Your story does indeed have potential. My advice: Complete it if you haven't already. See how it goes. Good luck!